The Happiness Avoidance Problem

We all want happiness, right? So why is it that so many people are unable to get it?

It is remarkably sad that so many people end up devoting their life to things that don't make them happy. They don't intend to of course. It just ends up happening that way through decision after small decision.   I have worked with hundreds of people who have changed jobs because they felt like they weren't happy there. They have even gone so far as to identify what made them unhappy (the hours, the flexibility, the boss, the strange policy about beards and shaving). They then having felt good about saying "yes these things are what I don't want" make a jump to a new job and over the next 6 to 18 months, slowly feel the same way again. Only this time it might be new things, maybe this time you didn't anticipate there would be annoying coworkers or you got the inner cubicle where you had a sweet office all to yourself at your previous job. You think to yourself "unghh! If this  job just didn't have ____________________"

Many years later people have woken up and at that point devoted a lifetime to running away from something instead of defining what they want and going after it.

To understand how and why this happens, think about it this way. Each choice you make regarding your career can be for one of two purposes, It can be made with the intention of trying to do something that will remove something making you unhappy (like all of the reasons someone might leave a job after identifying what has made them unsatisfied). The other purpose for the choice can be to make a move to the things you have identified that will make you happy (this might be by clearly understanding what does make you happy and cause you joy)

When you read those last you sentences you might at first think "isn't that the same thing?" I thought this too for years. Here is why they are different:

• There are infinite possibilities to do things that avoid making you unhappy. If you successfully avoid a few of these that you have identified it does not necessarily mean you will be working in a role, company, environment, or situation that will make you happy.
• In contrast, there are a smaller and finite number of conditions that will make you really happy. Once you have Identified these the rest becomes less important.

I discovered this when my wife, Alyssa, and I had been having little catfights over the course of a few weeks. This was odd for us and I kept thinking "why is she doing this" it seems like I am doing everything possible to avoid her getting mad at me. I have done the dishes, I have vacuumed the house so she didn't have to, I got home early… And the list went on of things that potentially could make her unhappy.

After several very loud and somewhat less than polite discussions, we finally came to what she really wanted: conversation after spending all day with little kids at home. Adult conversation and feeling a connection with her husband was what really made her happy day after day. Both she and I hadn't realized this at the time and I obviously had been focused on eliminating the things that she didn't want.

After we discovered this, I began calling her and having conversations with her on the way home from work, then getting home and taking over dinner and attempting to continue the conversation with the kids hanging around my legs. All of a sudden, even though the dishes and all of those other things were still getting done, they just didn’t matter as much. She was getting what made her happy after having identified it.

Don't get caught up in this trap in your career. Focus in on the things that truly make you happy and NOT on avoiding the things that make you unhappy. You can do this by determining the things in the past that you have enjoyed at work or at home and not on the things you haven't. Make a list keep it and continue to add to it as you discover more about yourself. In short order you will have a better perspective on what really makes you happy. Which is all we really want anyways, right?

Just say "Hi": Simple tips to catapult a career

I work with a guy who says "hi". He is the type of guy who you aren't sure how he gets anything done because when you see him he is in your office, or someone else's office  or talking to one of his team. He is the type of guy that is rarely found in his own office but instead out where the action happens chatting with people. He always looks too happy to be busy and he is always spends way too much time talking to people to get stuff done. Right?

Let's call this guy Charlie. Charlie is actually one of the most productive people I have ever worked with. Not only is he getting results faster than most other people I have interacted with but he also is looked at as the model of discipline in this organization. On top of that it is clear that he will have more opportunities in his career with this same organization. Why is this? How does this seemingly oxymoronic set of events work together? Is he just friendly with the right people?

Well… the short answer is yes. But in a different way than you might think.

Here is what is really happening:

Every day he is stopping by multiple times per day to say hi, at the same time he's talking about what is going on in the business, what is going on that's really good, giving you his fellow co-worker recognition for doing something right or getting that result, telling you how it impacted his team, how it will impact the business, checking in on something that he has going on that involves you, a project, a task, a deliverable. Or he is spending time with his team (where they work) developing them, coaching them, keeping tabs on how they are doing with encouragement and support.

He doesn't spend a lot of time in conventional water cooler type conversations talking about the latest TV shows and politics. He doesn’t spend much time focusing on things that aren't going to generate results. Despite this he still has built some of the best relationships I have seen and has a high degree of respect from the team that he works with. The most common things said about him "I really like that guy!" and "he sure gets things done".

Here is why this works for him. He gets collaboration and accountability from the people he works with because people like him (and he provides the same for them). People like him because he cares enough about them to go out of his way spending maybe 60 seconds a day talking to them about what is important in their world and what he has in common with them. Often this might only be things he needs from them or simply touching base with how something is going but this shows constant follow up and care to his coworkers.

 I will not be surprised if Charlie continues to get amazing productivity and results from all the teams and people he works with and I would also not be surprised if this leads to another promotion for him in the next calendar year.

So although everyone has different personalities and priorities I would challenge you to take a small lesson from real life and, like Charlie, get out of the comfort of your work-space every day to be someone who says "Hi"

63,000 Opportunities Waiting for You. Self Start Here...

Have you ever read a posting for a job that says "looking for a self starter" or talked to a sales manager about who was successful on his team and he says "well that guy is a real self starter" (then his next sentence is "wish the rest of them could be more like that"). Everyone wants this "self starter", why is that? You will hear them called go-getters, spark plugs, ambitious, workhorses and many other things, but I think the 63,000+ job postings on indeed.com that are looking for a self starter have it right! They are looking for someone with initiative and someone who starts things themselves and without waiting on others.

Everyone wants this from the people they hire, but after years and years of hiring people and working with managers who hire people, I bet that very few of these job posters will find their self starters. I also bet that those who are self starters will find that they really have their pick of companies, locations, professions, promotions or even the possibility to start their own company, grow it and post their own ad looking for self starters! This is because this trait, which requires the willingness to not wait on others for permission and the strong possibility of making mistakes, taking risks and experiencing failures, is somewhat rare in the marketplace.

Seth Godin devotes a whole book to this concept of initiative and the self starter (Poke the Box), Dave Ramsey references this type person suggesting traits of ownership and initiative in "Entreleadership". The reason this concept sells is because it is uncomfortable to take initiative, it can be embarrassing to fail, and it can feel scary to do something others aren't doing. In a country that creates societal incentives for mediocrity and avoiding taking the reigns to start things yourself, this is a hot commodity. Sadly everyone wants to know how to do this but more importantly, as Seth Godin points out, they have to be sold on the idea because it is against the societal norm.

When I consider this, it is both frustrating to me and exciting at the same time. Exciting because, as a serial self starter myself, I find that there is so little competition in the job market that is so desperately pining after self starters. Frustrating because I see countless societal incentives that cause good people to make limiting choices that do not lead them down the road of self starting.

The most recent example of this is at the organization where I work; we have a lot of people there that have potential. Potential but feel they are stuck in their situation. One woman in particular, we will call her Tiffany, was working in a job that earned around $16 per hour and performing well. Performing well but not performing great. Not performing great because she viewed herself as limited in what she could do.

Tiffany was limited because she had a special needs child and if she earned any more in income she would not receive the medical insurance from the state that she so desperately felt she must have. If she didn't have it she would be a bad mom. Tiffany had shown snippets of potential and snippets of self starting but this wasn't unleashed until a manager saw some of this and spent hours with her selling her on the idea of what she could accomplish. After two month of convincing she took a promotion and is now a stellar performer because she gets to start things herself everyday. She ended up getting a large raise to go along with it that paid for the insurance and all is well!

The reality is though that most of us will not experience Tiffany's situation. We will not have a manager there to sell us on the idea of what life could be like if we removed our objections to becoming a self starter. Most of us have to do this on our own. I would like to offer the reason that like Tiffany, it could change your life. So, practice, now! by starting something, regardless of the outcome, failure or success. You will learn along the way. It's the learning that causes you to grow. 

Please comment on any self starting you have done, big or small. How do you will yourself to take initiative?

Why Your Self Development is like My 3 Year Old

Photo: Scott Barlow

The other day my 3 year old boy, Camden, spent about 20 minutes putting together a floor sized puzzle of a bright green  snarling, tyrannosaurus rex. This in itself was amazing because he is similar to many other 3 year old boys and has the attention span of T minus 3,..2,..1,.. blastoff to the next experience. He is normally flitting from activity to activity attempting to leave a small trail of destruction and newly uninteresting toys in his wake. Today was unique for a different reason though; After he finished putting it together he showed off his puzzle  and then…. HE CLEANED IT UP (Loud dramatic movie sound effects follow).

Ok now this probably doesn't seem that amazing to most people reading this, but let me give you some backstory: We had been working with him since before he could put anything away on his own, trying to make sure that he picks up the  things he gets out or plays with. This is the very first time he did it by himself with no prompting from us. He just finished playing and cleaned it up and put the puzzle box back on the shelf by himself. You may still be asking what the big deal is. This probably means you have perfect kids that have been cleaning their rooms, knitting small hats with unnecessary gloves for your pets, and learning how to conjugate verbs in another language since they were 18 months old, but for myself and my wife, this was a big win.

As the novelty wore off I realized just how much there was buried in this very small life event. All of the preparation and discipline to build this routine and habit are the same as what goes into building great habits and routines in both your career and your personal growth. Whether it be networking, developing great meeting habits, personal organization, or any number of other behaviors that can help your career or self development, here are some ways to make them into routine.

Use an accountability partner

If you have ever spent any amount of time working out at a gym you have probably heard about the personal trainer that is available there. You have probably also heard a number of people who will tell you that working out with a personal trainer is more effective than working out alone. Is it their mass amount of knowledge and doctorate in "personal trainer science" that makes all the difference? Probably not. It is many times the accountability and different behaviors that you will exhibit if someone else is involved. (although for the benefit of any personal trainers that may have just stopped reading this blog one sentence ago, I will admit that having someone who knows what they are doing does help too!)

Maybe you are a new manager working on building relationships with a new team, or maybe you are someone who is trying to expose yourself to new companies by participating in networking events, either way, get someone else who you trust involved in the process. Ask them to hold you accountable on a regular basis (usually weekly is a great way to go for most habits) this can be as simple as having a recurring 10 minute phone meeting with that person to check in and update them on your progress for the week. This has to be someone that is willing to kick your behind (out of concern for you) if you don’t live up to your end of the bargain.

In Camden's case, he had a built in accountability partner whether he liked it or not, to make sure he was exhibiting the right behaviors. The concept and the end result are the same though. He eventually started to clean up after himself after continuously working to integrate it into regular behavior. As with many other things, it is often the simple principles that are most effective.

Make it a part of your day: Put it on the calendar

This one sounds obvious right? Many people still don't do it. With Camden, we would have weekly and nightly chores to make sure we did not miss opportunities to build his routine of cleaning up. We wrote up what was happening when and put it on the fridge and put pictures for each chore so it made sense to him. That way it was a part of his and our lives and we couldn't ignore it.

 If you want to integrate something into your routine put it on the calendar. I did this with pieces of David Allen's "Getting Things Done" system to integrate good habits into my world and create headspace for innovation and creativity. Another time this came in handy was transitioning careers and companies. Thinking about what you will do ahead of time allows for maximum focus when the time comes to actually do it. I use outlook for my work calendars and gmail for my personal calendars. On both of these I will often put an agenda or notes or a cheat sheet in the body area, that way when the time comes to do whatever it is, I do not have to spend any time rethinking about the activity. Instead I can review the calendar item and move right to action.

Surround yourself with encouragement

When we first started having Camden clean up his toys or anything else for that matter, here is how it went: He would put one tiny toy away and we would be jumping up and down clapping and shouting "Great job!" and "You are a rock star room cleaner" and then... we would end up putting every other toy in the room away. That is how it begins, then slowly over time he started really contributing to the success of his room cleaning endeavors, right up until the apex where apparently he just thought it was a part of the process.

You can do this too without having to get your parents on speaker phone for commentary on your rockstar status as an inbox "cleaner outer". Instead choose to share your wins with others who will provide encouragement when you are doing the right things. I used to go for a run during lunch with another guy who was a fairly positive person and he would often provide encouraging words when things that I was working on were going right. This was extremely helpful to reinforce any behaviors I was working on at the time.

You can also do this by providing encouragement for others, you will find that when you establish this as part of the relationship it will often come back to you. Camden, for the longest time would burst into applause when I would put my socks and shirts away in my closet. See!... Encouragement often reciprocates.

The real moral of this story is that no matter where you look you can find ways that fit into your own life to continue to develop yourself. This is an important part of your continuing career no matter what your role and more importantly, with a little help in the right places it can be so simple that a 3 year old can do it 

The Greatest Resume Ever!... And Why NOT to Write it

As a professional in Human Resources for the last ten years and as someone who provides guidance in the area of career development and working in your passion, I get asked about resumes all the time. I get asked to look at resumes, what makes a resume stand out, what format it should be in, I have even been asked whether it  is appropriate to include an 8 x 10 glossy photo. By the way the answer to that question is no, unless of course you are a model, trying to get a spot in a photo shoot or just want to ensure that your chances for getting an interview are slim to none.

 At the risk of providing some well known (but rarely acted upon) advice, here are 3 + 1 steps I would suggest to answer all resume questions.

Step 1: Ask the right question

Step 2: Create a job posting checklist

Step 3: Get your "Push and Pull" on

Step 3 +1: Create your own opportunities

Step 1: Ask the right questions

Ask yourself a different question besides "is this a great resume?": You do not want to provide "generalized" resumes (no matter how great you think they are) to anyone unless you are at a "career fair" or networking type event. Instead ask yourself "how do you tailor each resume to the needs of the organization first, and the individual job posting second?"

Here is why: If you have a recruiter or HR person screening resumes (you will find this in organizations of 150 people or more) then they will be looking in less than 30 seconds, does this have all the needs listed in the job posting? If not you will likely be screened out. Period. Third party online submittals like careerbuilder.com and indeed.com, and company website application processes have become the norm over the last 10+ years. This means that it is not uncommon to get hundreds of applications for a single position since it is so easy to apply.

Step 2: Create a checklist

Tailoring each resume sounds really great in theory but how do you really do that? I have discovered that most people feel like they are doing this already, but when I view the job posting and look at the resume, it is clear that they do not line up. Somebody somewhere took the time to create this job posting, it is really the cheat sheet to the resume test. The easiest way to make sure you are tailoring your resume is to print off a copy of the job posting and then to take a pen or highlighter going down each section like a checklist.  Use this by comparing it to your resume to find out where the gaps are.

Why to do this:  There are large numbers of well qualified people submitting great "generalized" resumes. So... to stand out tailor your entire resume EVERY time. Is it a pain? Yes. Do most people do this? No. Remember resumes do not get you the job, interviews and in person meetings get you the job. A truly tailored resume gets you a much better shot at that in person meeting which in turn is the only way you have a chance at getting the job.

Step 3: Get your "Push and Pull" on

The method of tailoring and submitting your resume discussed above is the push part of the equation, the pull part of the equation is not difficult in any way, but most people are unwilling to do it.

Start by researching who the hiring manager is for the job posting or who may have a vested interest in the decision making process. You can do this by researching LinkedIn.com, givin' the ol' Google a try, or if all else fails simply call the person who works at the front desk, be very nice and see what information you can find out from a simple conversation. Company phone directories are also very helpful in getting contact information especially after you know who you need to talk to and have their full name.

After you know the "who" and "how" to contact them. Give them a call and simply explain that you are interested in the organization and want to find out more about what they are looking for in a person for the position that's open. Listen to (and write down) everything thing they say and then give them a thirty second synopsis of who you are and how you can help them. This includes what your background experience is, what you provide that others don't, and why you are interested in the role. Remember: 30 seconds and you have already heard both exactly what they are looking for and have a job posting as a cheat sheet to guide what information you feel will be valuable for the hiring manager to know.  After  you do this go in for the close; ask if you can schedule 15-20 minutes with them to discuss the role.

Why on earth would you do all of this: I have personally been a part of over 2000 interviews for multiple organizations as both an HR professional and a Hiring Manager, and I have had maybe 50 people call and speak to me directly. What this means for you is simply this is a job search method that very few people are using so it is an easy way to get a free pass to the interview stage while at the same time making it easier for hiring managers too. Think about it; you have limited time as a manager, someone calls you up that meets the qualifications of the job AND obviously goes above and beyond by taking the time to find out about the company the job and contact you, even if you choose not to schedule the interview you are definitely going to make mention of it to the recruiter or HR team working on filling the position.

Step 3 +1: Be Proactive and Create your own job opportunities

Are you reaching out to organizations that you are interested in and setting up times to meet with the individuals that have the ability to hire you? If so, great keep it up, I am sure you are already generating interviews and meet and greets and this will lead you towards the job of your dreams much faster than anything I can tell you about a resume. If not, this is the next step.

In his book 48 Days to the Work you Love, author Dan Miller suggests the fantastic idea of making a list of companies that you are interested in working with regardless of whether or not they have positions available. I believe that this is a great idea because if you already have a relationship with the company guess who they will likely go to if they have a need later on.

 You could easily begin by using the research techniques in Step 3. Then make a phone call simply explaining that you are really interested in their organization and that you would love to schedule 15 minutes with them even if they don't have a position open now.  Ultimately the jobs that you are looking for are probably going to be hired from a previous relationship, so as you already know, your focus has to be on establishing the relationship groundwork to truly be considered for a position now or opportunity down the road.

The points I detailed above generated me about 20 meetings/interviews and 5 job offers last time I was searching for a new opportunity. All of these  things are simple to do but are outside of the comfort zone of most people looking for the position they really want. What really gets you that job or career you desire is not a great resume, but instead being willing to do the things that others will not. My advice to you is to put your focus in areas that generate results and leave everything else to people providing the piling up resumes that may never see the light of day.

Comment: What has worked for you in the past?

Success Will Come to Those... Who are Morning People???

Columbia Gorge Sunset, Copyright Scott Barlow

Years ago I heard a chinese proverb “No one who can rise before dawn 360 days a year fails to find success for his family.” At first I interpreted this to mean that I could have whatever I wanted as long as I got up early and hustled. The problem with this interpretation was that I started to feel entitled; I'm the one getting up early and working extra hours, how dare you question my quality of work, I'm putting in the time and don't you forget it! This led to no shortage of situations that had me somehow surprised that good things weren't just leaping in the car window as I rolled it down to leave for work each morning. Apparently this desirable and prosperous consequence to early rising doesn't just happen overnight.What I came to learn later on is that the intention behind the quote was much more powerful than the literal meaning of the words themselves: if you are disciplined enough to be able to commit such an act as getting up before the sun rises, that discipline will carry over into other areas of your lives. Once you have intentionally developed that type of day in and day out discipline you will slowly become prepared to do the things you were meant to do. 

This is such an interesting concept because so few people are willing to behave in this way that it is almost certain that you will find success through this type of discipline. This of course is contingent upon this discipline being focused in the areas that you want to experience success. Oddly enough this is where I see the biggest lack of discipline for most people pursuing a new career. Everyone wants to do it, very few are willing to put in the time and focus to do what is necessary.

No one wants to have to spend 40-50 hours a week at their current job and then overtime hours on your own to pursue what they really want to do. This is what it takes though. If you want to move into something you are passionate about and truly enjoy doing it is not only difficult but it is worth it. If you get up at 5am each day it becomes easy to find the time to tailor your resume to a new job opportunity, work on developing a side business or interest, or simply be able to plan effectively because everyone else is in bed. I am currently using this principle of getting up early right now to write this blog. It's unlikely I would be able to find time during the rest of the day to have any consecutive coherent thoughts to put in print. 

The big takeaway here is this; there isn't anyone who's found success, that is saying that getting up early wasn't worth it. I believe that, as I have experienced in my own life, that as you experience true success (career) in one area it impacts other areas of your life (family). 

So go have a positive impact on your family and your career. All you have to do is get up...and then the next day get up...and then the next day...

Tweet

Starting with the Absence of Precision. Who Knows where will lead...

Road to Everywhere, Scott Barlow 2010

This blog is for those who want support and a positive influence while trying to find or pave your way in this world of abundant opportunity and excess naysayers. I hope to share experiences from my life, passion and career that adds value to yours.  There will likely be a mixture of stories, writings and even pictures. Who knows where this will lead to…

“I do not pretend to start with precise questions. I do not think you can start with anything precise. You have to achieve such precision as you can, as you go along.”

Bertrand Russell 

Here is what you won’t find in this blog:

• This won’t be about easy ways to achieve career success or a move toward what you are extremely passionate about overnight.

• There will be no theoretical advice. Everything comes from my experience or the personal stories of those who I have coached and collaborated with.

• Things that are guaranteed…I will focus on principles as opposed to strictly techniques, however I have found you cannot apply half a principle to anything

As we go along, let me know what is helpful and adds value to you… Thanks for reading! 


follow me on twitter @scottabarlow or LinkedIn